I could never make it through Star Wars so many years ago because I found it stilted in that dreadfully smug Hollywood kind of way. It had a kind of antiseptic chilliness about it which never touched me. I know the story was from great heroic Greek stuff and lauded by the great Joseph Campbell, but that wasn't enough for me anyway.
Now, John Carter does not pretend to be an anything but a weird campy lark between comic book pages so unabashedly stolen from another era completely. The story is so wacky that it actually works. It also manages to pass through unscathed, that surreal zone that can make or brake our tolerance in Sci-Fi. I found myself completely unhinged from reality after just 10 minutes into it. Embracing its abstraction, it stays true to its B-movie integrity. I think what really saves it from many possible disasters is that the main characters play it cool, and they have a certain likeable charisma, not a wink, but a subtle smile to the audience (and each other) as if to say: "Isn't this pretty wild and crazy?" without any cheekiness visible.
So, my advice is to watch it with the kids, or just alone, with a large bowl of chocolate ice cream, fudge, and sprinkles on top.

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